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 Post subject: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 9:49 am 
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Location: England
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 9:50 am 
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1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham

2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons

3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel

4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather

5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars

6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel

7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford

8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine

9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker

10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 10:02 am 
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Joined: January 23rd, 2013, 3:07 pm
Posts: 5594
Location: IOW
Quote:
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"
Jehovah’s Witness advent calendar all the door have Fuck Off written behind them

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 1:36 pm 
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Uery goo, Miss. That Tim Vine is very good at the one liners, have you ever seen him being interviewed?

Here’s one I can think of off the top of my head

“I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure anymore”. Unknown

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 4:38 pm 
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:rofl:

It's the way you tell 'em

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 5:36 pm 
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I have been trying to make up some one liners all day......

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 5:39 pm 
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What is a one liner? Has it to do with drugs? :mssneeze:

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 7:00 pm 
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I received a package today which had written on it, 'Photographs. Do not bend'.
The royal mail however proved this statement to be wrong.


Just watching the News and they are saying that Barristers are going on strike..... Where the FK am I gonna get my morning coffee?

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 22nd, 2022, 7:00 pm 
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Quote:
What is a one liner? Has it to do with drugs? :mssneeze:
one is pointless, apparently you need lots :fp:

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:43 am 
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I received a package today which had written on it, 'Photographs. Do not bend'.
The royal mail however proved this statement to be wrong.


Just watching the News and they are saying that Barristers are going on strike..... Where the FK am I gonna get my morning coffee?
Oh very good!

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. He didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:44 am 
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The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:45 am 
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:49 am 
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I was offered sex today by a 26 year old woman, in return she wanted me to advertise some cleaning product on my Facebook page.
Of course I refused because of my morals and strong willpower. Which is as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon or vanilla!


Me and my wife are going to row across the Atlantic in October.
It’ll probably start on the way to the airport.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:50 am 
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The pessinist saw a cup as half empty

The optimist saw a cup as half full

The woman slapped them both for staring



What disease did cured ham actually have anyway...?

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 3:26 pm 
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A genie offered me just one wish, so I said I just want to be happy

So, now I'm living with 6 other dwarves and working down a fucking mine :fp:

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 6:18 pm 
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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 6:21 pm 
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Quote:
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Isn't that a two liner? :explain:

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 23rd, 2022, 8:04 pm 
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I bought some fly spray and sprayed it all over myself, but I still can't fly.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 7:06 am 
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I used to be apathetic but now I’m not bothered

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 7:35 am 
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Location: Near London
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright noooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 9:28 am 
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 10:21 am 
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Thieves stole stion toilet police say they have nothing to go on. :Baboom:

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 7:21 pm 
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There was a complaint about a hole in the fence at the local naturist camp. Police are looking into it.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 9:32 pm 
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My new venture starts today, breeding racing deer, hoping to make a fast buck.

The other day at a thrift store, I bought an old record album called “Sounds Wasps Make”. When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound anything like wasp sounds.” Then I realised I was playing the Bee side.

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 Post subject: Re: A few one liners
PostPosted: August 24th, 2022, 10:55 pm 
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I was winning an argument with the wife when she took her top off

I was speechless, it was a booby trap

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